To you...who find it hard to look and whose smile I have only seen for a few times -- I am very sorry. You spoke of love, one that was hidden. Until you made it known. Yet, i guess you're still the same -- aloof. As the multitude say, you have what it takes. But i am a person who has penchant for conversations. For this human connection makes me express my innerself. And you, you're too far. I find it hard to reach you. I feel like you don't know me as much as I think, I don't know know you too. With that, again, I am sorry. and I THANK YOU. Flowers may wilt but my memories of you shall never wither.

___

To you... who turned my days into nights and my nights into endless obscurity -- I shall find peace. The burden which I carried...it's all gone. (and to those who know, join me as i rejoice!) I speak of truth that shall remain unspoken for some things are better left unsaid. And you, you will remain a mystery and you shall never know. Things are working well for you now. And I, I have come to a very significant realization. With that, again, I find peace. and I THANK YOU. The feeling -- it's all over, for this i am sure, but my memories of you shall always linger.

___

And to you...who believed in me -- I put my trust in you. I ask you to take a little caution 'cause my heart is fragile. I cannot guarantee anything but i do believe that nothing is impossible. How I wish everything would turn into sheer clarity and life's complications, for once, be a little easier. Right now, I fumble for words but I hope I won't miss the chance to say that I decided to stay. With that, again, I trust in you. and I THANK YOU. A phase of our life has come to an end but my memories of you shall go on.

__________________

when all else fades, memories are the only ones that remain. bitter. sweet. bittersweet these may be.

now tell me, how can i ever forget highschool?


*camdae*

i finally had the chance to talk to my friend abi this morning. well, we talked about bunch of stuffs and all,, about what's been happening to her and to me these days. we used to do this kind of conversation at the end of the day but since we were not classmates anymore and our schedules do not meet, we do not have the chance to talk as aften as we did in the past. God, i miss her! yeah, really. i've been missing our friday afternoon dates at mcdo, jollibee, or elsewhere where we used to eat and spend hours talking about anything under the sun. we can stay for like 4 hours or so just merely conversing with each other. haha. yeah, we talk a lot. and laugh a lot. and sigh a lot. :)

well, while waiting for our choir practice to start, i was able to talk with my friend, karl. we talked about a lot of stuffs but our conversation was focused on my predicament. here are some thoughts, realizations, and my friend's lines from our conversation which struck me most.

* "I think you are not sure if you are sure."
* "I'll give you something to decide on, that is, whether you are going to decide now or decide later."
* "I think you're at the middle."
* "In making decisions, it is inevitable to have wrong decision."
* the primer thingy. and the "splash him with water" stuff. (haha, bet you won't understand)
* "Give him deadline. or is it forever?"
* in making decisions, consider the consequences.
* " *l**s** and I found him lying.... maybe that's because he's really down"
* You can't get too close to someone. (karl explained this mathematically. haha)
* "You're fortunate (in tagalog)."
*"In the future, you'll find out that there are not only two, perhaps a lot will come more. and you should be ready."

...

This world falls on me

In this world there's real and make believe

And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am

I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand

And you love me but you don't know who I am

So let me go

Let me go

"I realize the odds, and science, are against me. But science is not the total answer; this I know, this I have learned in my lifetime And that leaves me with the belief that miracles, no matter how inexplicable or unbelievable, are real and can occur without regard to the natural order of things" -- Noah Calhoun, The Notebook

just when i have nothing else to do.

finally.. i'm back. it's been quite a while... and a lot of things (many, really!) happened in my life during that span of time. but i opened my blogger account without the idea of writing something about those 'a lot' of happenings . i actually prefer to write about this day -- whatever happened to my life on this 19th day of March. but don't get me wrong. i know what u are thinking. it's not that something really so special or even extraordinary happened today. in fact, this day is far from something i can call 'good' or let's say, 'perfect'. and it's not about the date, the number, and whatever! and so much for the explanation. let's just blame all this to my ever freakin' mood swings. that's it. and besides i bet i'll just end up saying a lot of stuffs (even ones off the topic) and that may as well include some things about the past and all. ha, you, see, i'm kinda weird.

enough for that.

i had my eyes open at 4am. earlier than the usual. but i stayed on my bed for like an hour. and dwell into nothingness. until my alarm clock made its way to remind me that it's a monday, and that it's my first day in school -- after being away from my ever beloved high school for almost a week. and that was, of course, due to fever, colds and all the coughing thing that almost made me confined in the hospital. i was under observation for pneumonia and good thing it was just "almost pneumonia" (haha, if that's the right way to call it.) until now, i actually don't know how to call the disease which struck me. my doctor advised me to have an x-ray check to be sure of whatever it is. i had taken a lot of medicines already. i'm currently taking this certain antibiotic (the seccond type actually since the first one seemed not to take effect) which is 800 mg, tablet for my cough (the third type already) and this cute (yeah, i find it cute:)) capsule for my colds. plus, of course, paracetamol for fever-slash-headache. wah, is this drug dependency? addiction? err.. anyway, my doctor prescribed them. and ever since i was a kid, i have regarded my pedia the best doctor ever (second best, actually, for I do believe He's still the best-est). So where am i? wah, i told you, i have the tendency to write a lot of things and go beyond the topic. well anyway, before going to the real point, i spent my entire 6 days last week at home. Yeah, that was when i felt so sick and all. and you see, everyday seemed to be the same as the other. err. I felt so bored and all. the same routine. sleep + medicine + food + cranberry juice + sleep + sleep + sleep. well,i really need a lot of sleep and rest, anyway. but two activities made that 'vacation' fun, in a way. one, i re-read my ever favorite "The Notebook" . the other, i was able to watch some chapters of Princess Hours (super thanks to ivan for lending me the dvd:). Ok, so going back to this day, i was able to arrive at school earlier than the usual. I was able to attend the flag ceremony which i am very looking forward to attend these days since sooner or later, we'll have our last.*sigh* i was very happy to see my classmates and my friends again. I guess i have to admit that i really missed them. (with that, how can i ever imagine my life after graduating?*another sigh*) then we had our grad practice in the morning. we had a recap on the grad song (good thing, for i don't really know that song) and the ncr hymn. during our practice, i got a little tired and felt some pain on my back. and from that time on, i became so not in the mood and i felt like going home. but then, i did not, of course! In not more than 10 days, we'll be graduating. These days are the last days...ones that i am really looking forward to spend with my entire high school family. ok, so after the morning session, we had our lunch break. funny stories and jokes. good times. and all. then, we had our practice for our presentation for our clearance in our Pinoy class. during the afternoon of our grad practice, i felt so very tired. and i did a couple of mistakes. shame on me. haha. still, i find it as something to laugh about:) after the grad practice, we had our presentation for Filipino (thanks to ate rachel for lending me the apron:)) and then, we had our choir practice. then, it rained. and i have no umbrella. but the rain stopped already just right after (or a few minutes earlier) choir practice. Thank you Lord, you're the best!:)

suddenly, like the usual, i feel the need to stop writing. haha. told you, just one of the effects of my mood swings. toink.

anyway, happy birthday to frances! and yayi, too!:)

*camdae*

Underneath the Waves

The stars beneath the sky, they tell me you're a secret,
And every time, i wake up in the morning,
Rain is falling down on me. i feel free. . .

You caught me by surprise, i asked you to believed me,
Without a lie, we'll never have to say or feel were sorry,
Don't say you're sorry, soon you'll see. . .

I'm learning, i'm learning you now. . .
Stars fading, free falling into you. . .

This time i'm sure what i'm looking for,
And that's what i want you to know,
And i won't ever let you go, let you go . .

Underneath the waves,
I can feel you underneath the waves. . .

I'm learning, i'm learning you now. . .
Stars fading, free falling into you. . .

This time i'm sure what i'm looking for,
And that's what i want you to know,
And i won't ever let you go, let you go . .

It's all been said and done to me, i know it,
Just let me have a chance, to prove my cause,
And i know what lies ahead for us,
In any road i'll let you come my way. . .

This time i'm sure what i'm looking for,
And that's what i want you to know,
And i won't ever let you go, let you go. . .

And i'm ready for you now,
And i'm ready for you now,
Be ready for me now,
Be ready for me now. . .

complexities

“An old man turned ninety eight, won the lottery and died the next day…”

I am but an irony.

I love sunshine but I long for the rain.

I feel comfortable with my flip- flops but I’d rather go out with my sneakers on.

I yearn for the stillness of the night but the day’s vivacity makes me feel alive.

I love to paint yet I am not really good at it. *oh yeah, I’m a frustrated painter*

I’m vain yet at times I don’t care if I look odd or something.

I can be tough but I’m fragile.

I like taking risks but I’d rather play safe sometimes.

I long to write but now I suddenly feel the need to stop.

Yet one thing’s certain: I am happy.

But with me, even the most definite things tend to be vague.

….endless sarcasms to talk about.


"...isn't it ironic?"